The Clack House

[Jude]

RALEIGH – DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
June 1

Dear Diary,

Somehow, My Clay now has new fur. I don't know where he got it, but it's dark and shaggy and hangs in his eyes like a Lhasa Apso's, only he doesn't wear a silly barrette or a bow in it to keep it out of his eyes like some Lhasas do, thank goodness. At least not yet. When he first came home with it, I was like, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY CLAY??!!! LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M BARKING AT YOU...

Oh. You are.

Heeeeey...wait a minute! You smell like...

MY CLAY!!!!"

And then I jumped on him and scratched at his legs and cried and cried and peed a little too, coss I like to let him know how happy I am to see him, even when he doesn't really look like My Clay.

Wherever he got his new fur, I like it. Of course, when I first saw it, I thought maybe My Clay had been out digging in the garden, and a bunch of mulch got stuck on his head. But when he picked me up, I stuck my nose in his head really deep, like all the way to his skin, and that's when I found out it was all fur after all, dang it. I was hoping he mighta brought a chipmunk in with the mulch, but no such luck.

Anyway, have you ever watched a show on Teevy called The Dog Whisper? It's this show with mean dogs, and a human guy who barks kinda funny and thinks he's a dog, too. No really...he does! I don't like him -- he's always barking about how humans should be Pack Leader and never let dogs get away with anything, and then he acts like a Mean Dog himself. It's very scary, coss he looks more like a dog than most dogs I know! And then he takes the humans and dogs out together for a walk, and then in the end, the dogs become wusses and the humans smile with their whole tongues. Every time! It's NOT a Good Thing.

When we first started watching the Dog Whisper show, I was afraid My Clay would maybe get ideas from the Dog Whisper human and start acting like a Mean Dog too. And that would be very, VERY bad for me. But My Clay just watches it and laughs, and barks, "He says the same thing every time! Every show's the same! Are they payin' him for this??" Thank goodness My Clay is so smart and knows that dogs should be allowed to do whatever they want and have whatever they want, and humans are there to help them do or get it. I would never want to live with that Dog Whisper human. He scares me. I'd never be able to sleep if he was in the house with me – I could wake up some night with him biting me in the neck or something! I'm so glad I live with My Clay. Coss the only way a human should ever be like a dog is to look like one.

Even if it's a Lhasa Apso.

Love,
Raleigh




Copyright © 2006 Jude. All rights reserved.

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
September 10

Dear Diary,

I know -- it's been a long time again since I have Dear Diaryed. That's becoss I have been very busy lately, and not in a good way. Remember how I made My Clay give away Stupid Annoying Durham the girl Border Terror? Well, believe it or not, he went and brought home ANOTHER one!! Yes, another Border Terror puppy named Durham, only this one's a boy. And while I don't hate Durham Too half as much as I hated Stupid Annoying Durham (maybe coss Durham Too knows who's The Boss -– me), right now I am SO mad I could bite both him AND My Clay in the behinds!!

A few days ago, My Clay went away somewhere and took Durham Too instead of me!! I know, I can't believe it either! What the H-E-Dubble-L-Hockey-Stix is WRONG with him?? How could he do that to me?? I am the one who's supposed to go with him everywhere!! I am the one all the humans want to see!! I am the one who should be there to give him big wet kisses and protect him from water and cats and whatnot!! Durham Too doesn't even know how to do any of that!! (Well, except maybe for the kisses part, but even cats know how to do that!) So why did he take him instead of me??

All I can say is, he REALLY shouldn't have. Becoss since he's left me here with all this time on my paws, I've been able to think up a whole bunch of things a dog can do when her human ditches her at home and takes another stupid dog along instead. Here are just a few:

1. Chew up his shoes. This is always a great thing to do when you're mad at your human becoss all humans love their shoes, and My Clay loves them even more than most humans. There are many things you can do to shoes, like chew their strings off or pull the insides out of them or best of all, eat big yummy pieces off them. Humans usually aren't happy with teeth marks and giant holes where their shoe tops and sides should be -- don't ask me why.

2. Hide his underwears. I have heard that some humans actually put their underwears away in a closet or something, but if you have a human like My Clay, you can always find a bunch laying around on the floor, thank goodness. I like to hide My Clay's underwears under a chair or behind the sofa, or sometimes under the ground in a big planter. But just remember: Never EVER hide them in your own bed or toy box. Trust me -- NOT a good idea.

3. Eat his TV Guide. This usually works better if it's got a picture of your human on the cover. And make sure it's not a cover about The Howling Show, becoss that only makes him laugh.

4. Put snot marks all over his JukeBox. This is better than putting them on Teevy, since it's kinda hard to watch Animal Planet through your own snot marks.

5. Pee right in the middle of his bed. 'Nuff said.

All of these things will make your human pay attention to you (even if it's the loud angry barking kind) and make him remember that it's YOU he's supposed to take with him wherever he goes! See, if you let your human get away with stuff like this, the next thing you know, you'll be sitting at home watching out the window while another dog's going to Tour on The Bus and eating your pretzels. And that is NOT a Good Thing.

Sigh. I hope My Clay comes back soon. But I sure hope he doesn't find any more Durhams to bring home with him.

Love,
Raleigh





Copyright © 2006 Jude. All rights reserved.

[Jude]

A KINDA-SORTA CLUPPY DIARY

"RALEIGH– DIARRHEA OF A DOPEY CLUPPY
October 7

Dear Diarrhea,

I am very dumb. I am so dumb I should just become a cat, that's how dumb I am. I am really, really mean to Durham and that's why My Clay loves Durham MUCH MUCH MUCH BETTER than me!!! Coss I'm dumb and mean and..."


Raleigh: What are you doing??

Durham: (startled and guilty) Nuthin'.

Raleigh: Are you doing a Dear Diary?

Durham: Me?? No! Ummm...it's...ummmmm...

Raleigh: You are, too, ya little jerk!

Durham: I'm NOT little!! I'm almost as big as you...well, I would be, if you weren't so FAT...

Raleigh: Take that back!! I am NOT fat!! I'm fluffy, that's all!

Durham: FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT...

Raleigh: GRRRRR...TAKE IT BACK!!!

Durham: FATFATFATFATFATFAT...

Raleigh: GRRRR...I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!

They begin furiously fighting.

Clay: (running [as best he can] into the room) HEY!! WHAT'S GOIN' ON?? STOP IT!! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!! RALEIGH AND DURHAM!! STOP THAT, YA HEAR??!! (he smacks a rolled-up newspaper onto the floor next to them and the dogs scatter, panting)

Raleigh: Woof Woof WOOF!! (Translation: He started it!!)

Durham: Ruhhhf, Rrrrrruff RRRRUFFF!!! (Translation: Did not!! Raleigh's a dumb ol' FAT poopy butt!!!)

Raleigh: WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!!! (Translation: I do NOT have a poopy butt!! Take it back right now!!!)

Durham: Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff RUFF!! (Translation: Poopy Butt! Poopy Butt! Poopy Butt!!!!)

Raleigh: WOO-WOO-WOOF-WOOF-WOOF!!!!! (Translation: Did you HEAR that, My Clay?? Punish him!! Punish him right now!! Throw him out the window!!)

Clay: Now that's ENOUGH barkin'!! GOOD-ness! What is WRONG with the two-a you?? WAH can't ya get along, huh?? Ah don't wanna separate you two but Ah'm gonna have ta if ya don't stop this nonsense!

Raleigh: woof... (Translation: It's HIS fault...)

Durham: RUFF!!! (Translation: Is NOT!!!)

Clay: HEY! What'd Ah just say?? Ah told ya ta stop! Lord!! Ya'd think Ah was talkin' to mahself!

Durham: *sneeze* (Translation: Ya mean you're not?)

Raleigh: *snort* (Translation: Heee!!!)

Durham: (encouraged) *whine* (Translation: Yap, yap, yap. Just like a Sheltie.)

Raleigh: *snort* (Translation: HA HA!! No kidding! He's pretty cute, though, isn't he? For a human, anyway. Hey -- wanna go watch out the window for squirrels?)

Durham: Ruff!! (Translation: I got a better idea. My Clay just got a new pair of shoes…)

Raleigh: Woof!! (Translation: OOOOO...good idea, lil bro!! I get the strings!!)

They bound off, knocking into each other as they run.

Clay: Lookit that – all better! Am Ah an expert mediator, or what? HA HA!! With those kinda mad diplomatic skillz, Ah oughta be workin' for the United Nations! (thinks) ...Or doin' Larry King's job. How much longer can he last, anyway? Of course, that's what Ah thought about Clive too, and he'll prob'ly be around till 2052 at the rate he's goin'. (frowns) Great. By that time Ah'll've just about plowed through the en-tire Celine Dion catalog. Hmm...Ah wonder if it would be morally wrong to have Jerome pay a little visit to Larry King?

*huge thunder clap overhead*

Clay: (looking skyward) Aww, come on, Lord! Ah was just kiddin'!! (under his breath) Sorta.




Copyright © 2006 Jude. All rights reserved.

[Jude]

RALEIGH – DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
December 19

Dear Diary,

As you probly know, there are Good Dogs and Bad Dogs. A Good Dog is a dog that is quiet (except when she sees squirrels), doesn't bite (except when somebody deserves it), and doesn't steal food unless it's right there in front of her where anybody standing on her hind legs could reach it without even hardly jumping all that much. A Bad Dog is a dog that pees on the bed, barks just to hear his own yapping even though he isn't even a Sheltie, and is named Durham.

I don’t know what My Clay was thinking about when he got Durham. I guess he thought I needed a Brother, which is just silly. Becoss everybody knows a Brother is a thing that you don’t want and didn't ask for but you get anyway, sort of like a trip to the Vet or a day at the Groomer's without the treat at the end to make it sorta better. A Brother pests you when you don’t want to be bothered by biting your ears or jumping on top of you when you’re trying to sleep, and you have to share your toys and chewies and even WORSE Your Clay with him which stinks if you ask me. BUT NOBODY ASKED ME, DID HE???!!!

Anyway, Me and My Clay have been busy going to Tour again, which has been very fun, except that My Clay had to go and bring along Durham. How embarrassing!! Becoss Durham does NOT know how to behave at all. He barks at everything and he barks at nothing. The wind, the rain, the sun, the sky. Humans, cars, and trees. YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP!!!! He even barks very angrily at Big Mean Dogs who could chew his rear end off in one bite if they got hold of him. How can he be so dumb? I don't know. He's a boy dog, though, and I've always found that boy dogs don't have a lot of sense, generally barking.

So My Clay has been going from place to place doing a lot of great, loud howling, which I always like. But he's also been sick again. Poor My Clay!! I have been doing my best to take care of him by licking his hand and not tripping him when he gets in my way. And by lying next to him when he's feeling bad and making Durham stay on the floor where he belongs.

Soon it will be Christmas, which is My Clay's and my favorite time of all!! This is Durham's first Christmas, so he's pretty excited. And I guess it might be fun to have someone to play with in all the papers and the ribbons and stuff. I mean, even though Durham's the way he is, he is another dog, after all. But it's a Good Thing My Clay has one dog who is smart, quiet, and knows how to behave, especially when we're going to Tour. Though maybe if I'd been as bad as Durham, My Clay would never have gotten Durham in the first place.

DANG!!! Why didn't I think of that before???

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

I haven't done one of these in two years, but I'm slipping on the dogsuit again, just for you guys. :)

--------------------------

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
November 4

Dear Diary,

Today is a very special day for humans. It is called a Lection Day. My Clay says a Lection Day is when humans must "vote," which is how they choose their Pack Leader for the next bunch of years.

This year it is between a human who looks kinda like a Shar Pei and a human who maybe looks like a Doberman. I'm not sure how they decide who's going to be the Pack Leader, but if "vote" means "fight," I'm pretty sure the Doberman's going to win. First coss he's bigger, and then coss those wrinkles really give you something to grab onto with your teeth. Also, while that little Shar Pei guy seems kinda mean, what with his angry barking all the time on teevy, what he doesn't seem to know is that Dobermans are the kinda dogs who just sit there all quiet and whatnot, but then all of a sudden there's their teeth in your neck and you peeing on the floor.

Anyway, I like the Doberman becoss he's prettier and that's always important when picking a Pack Leader and Alpha Dog. Also, I really don't like that female human who hangs around with the Shar Pei. She's always baring her teeth like she's smiling, but you know if you turn your back on her she'll bite you in the butt just for the fun of it. You know, in the World of Dogs, we would call a female like her an Alpha Bitch. It's funny that in the World of Humans, they call her that, too, only without the "Alpha."

GO DOBERBAMA!!!

Love,
Raleigh




Copyright © 2006 Jude. All rights reserved.