The Clack House

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
November 1

Dear Diary,

I am trying very hard to get used to my new home. I am missing my mom and my brothers and sisters and also the humans who lived with them. But my new human is very nice. He hugs me and cuddles me and doesn't even yell at me when I go potty on the floor. He's swell! And the way he howls -- I could listen to him all day long!

The other human who lives with us says I stink. I think I might pee on her underwear for that. I am a puppy! Puppies are supposed to stink! Doesn't she know that? My human says it's because she likes cats better than puppies. Is she crazy? I'm so glad that my human doesn't like cats because I don't, either. If I ever see one, I will chase it away so fast and my human will love me even more!

This week we went to a big place with lots of people. Some of them were howling. Some of them hurt my ears. A LOT. But no one howled as good as my human. I was very proud, because lots of people came up to us and said, "AWWWWWWWW....SO CUTE!!!" But some of them weren't even looking at me when they said that. That's strange, isn't it?

Then we went home, and my human tried to take me outside to go potty. Only I fooled him and didn't. When he took me inside, I went on the floor. It's just more fun that way.

After that, my human held me in my blanket and howled softly to me. I fell asleep hardly even thinking about my mom and everyone at my old home. I like my human so much I might not even chew his shoes.

But the other human's shoes are fair game. She deserves it for being a cat lover.

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
November 15

Dear Diary,

I have been a very good and happy puppy lately. My human takes me with him a lot, and we ride in his big shiny car with no roof. I like to sit in his lap when he's driving, and sometimes I try to stick my head out the side of the car so the wind hits me right in the face and makes my ears flap, which is SO fun! Then he gets mad and says, "NO, RALEIGH! Stay!" Whatever that means. I just keep doing it, and he keeps putting me back on his lap and barking at me. He's funny.

I am also doing better with what my human calls "housebreaking." Now I only go potty on the floor when I really really have to. Like one or two times a day. Or seven. My human says he should have stock in "rug cleaner." I think "rug cleaner" is the stuff he puts on the floor after I go potty to cover up my nice smelly scent. That's okay, though, because I just find lots of other spots to mark as my territory. Soon every part of the house will be mine, except maybe for Kim's room. I have to find a way to get in there real soon. I've thought about pretending that I'm a cat so Kim would be fooled and let me in there, except then it might scare my human a whole lot, and that would be very bad. I'll have to think about this some more.

Yesterday my human took me to another big place where there was lots of howling going on. Again, my human's howling was the BEST! And some of the howling humans had almost nothing on their skins - not even any fur. One of them came up to my human and said, "I'm sorry again that I said I liked Ruben better than you, Clay. I hope you'll forgive me." Then she put her hand on my human's beautiful furry arm, blinked her eyes a bunch of times, and got really really close to him. So I growled at her and showed her all my pretty, sharp teeth. And she backed off! YEAH! My human laughed, but I'm telling you -- it was no joke. I was seriously going to bite her if she even TRIED to lick my human. NOBODY licks my human but me! So BACK OFF, bitch.

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
November 22

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, after a very strange trip in my den which seemed to take FOREVER, I got to meet two very nice humans that my own human seems to love a lot. Their names are Mom and Brett. I found out that I must be very, very important, because they live in a place that's named after me! Mom smells good and is very gentle and has a soft voice. She held me and said, "Oh, Clayton. She's very cute, but WHY did you do this? I'm not going to be there to feed her or let her out when you forget, and you better not expect poor Kim to take care of her!"

My human just laughed and said, "Yeah, Raleigh left a little present on the floor that I didn't have time to clean up. Kim's going to kill me!"

Shhh. Don't tell my human, but I did that on purpose. I only wish I was there to see Kim bark her head off about it!

Anyway, today we all got in a big car without a roof, and me, my human, and Brett sat on top of the car while we rode down the street for some reason. There were lots and lots and LOTS of humans on each side of the street -- I've never seen so many in one place. They were barking and barking at us, "CLAY!! CLAY!! CLAY!!" Between that and all the people walking down the street with loud metal things in their mouths, it was very noisy and hurt my ears really bad. But still, I was a very good puppy. I got to wear my new coat which felt funny but kept me very warm so I guess it was okay. I had to sit with Brett because my human had to wave at everyone barking at him. Don't ask me why. Humans make no sense to me at all.

So all in all it was a pretty good day, even if the starting and stopping in the car kinda made my tummy feel like when I eat too much grass and have to throw up. At one point, I started to cry, but my human leaned down and said, "It's okay, honey. It's okay." And then it was, so I lay down and fell asleep. My human's SO smart! But I'm finding out more and more that other humans really, really love my human. A LOT. They all want to get close to him or bark at him or touch him.

But still, they will never love him as much as I do. Never ever ever.

Time to take another nap. I have a whole new house to mark my territory in, so I'll need lots of energy for that!

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
December 1

Dear Diary,

I am writing to you from prison. That's what I call it anyhow. My human calls it "Puppy Training," but that's because he doesn't know what it really is. He left me with Dog Trainer, who is actually Puppy Torturer. OK, maybe she doesn't really torture me, but she does make me do stuff I don't want to do, like go potty outside instead of where I want to, which is inside where it's not cold and it doesn't rain so I don't have to get my feet wet. I hate wet feet. But Dog Trainer keeps me in my den and only lets me out when It's Time To Go Outside. She probably knows I don't like to mess up my den, so she waits until I'm done having my breakfast, or I'm done taking my nap, and then It's Time To Go Outside again. And by that time I really have to go, so I do it outside because I can't hold it. That's really sneaky, if you ask me. When he gets back, I'll bet my human's going to be really mad at her for tricking me that way.

Dog Trainer also makes me do other things I don't want to. Like she barks at me to SIT! and when I do, she gives me a treat. OK, that part's kind of fun. But she also hooks a leash on my harness and makes me walk next to her, when I would rather go meet other puppies, or sniff where other dogs have gone potty, or roll in rotted squirrel. She yanks me back next to her when I try to do anything fun. And she barks STAY! at me, and actually thinks I'm going to just sit there. What kind of a wussy dog would I be if I did that? So I just get up and run around, and then she yanks me back and makes me SIT! again. I miss my human. I especially miss his wonderful howling. Dog Trainer tries to be nice, but she doesn't howl at all, she only barks, which is boring. There is no one to howl me to sleep at night, which makes me want to cry. So I do.

I have found out that my human's name is sometimes Clay and also sometimes Dad, like when Kim says, "Go to your dad, you smelly puppy, I don't want you." I'm not sure which one it is, so I think I will call him My Clay because he belongs to me. And not to Kim or anybody else. Just me.

I hope My Clay comes to rescue me soon. Prison sucks.

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
December 13

Dear Diary,

My Clay FINALLY came to rescue me from prison, thank goodness. I was SO happy to see him! I think he was very happy to see me, too, but I think I was a little happier, because I peed a little on the floor, and he didn't. At least I don't think he did. Still, he hugged me and hugged me and told me he missed me. So OK I forgave him this time but he better not do that to me again!

I've been pretty worried about My Clay since I got back, though, because he's been very sick. He's been making a lot of funny noises like "HARK! HARK! HARK!" - kind of like when I eat my breakfast too fast and have to yack it back up again. I think sometimes he even yacks up his breakfast, too. I like to watch when he does that, because I just find that very interesting. I like to watch everything he does, so I follow him wherever he goes, except for when I feel like running away from him and making him chase me. That's always very fun!

One good thing about him being sick is that he sometimes forgets to put away his used tissues, so I get to eat them. YUM! I don't think he likes when I do that, because he goes, "EWWW, RALEIGH! YUCK!" That's because he has no idea how good used tissues are. If you ask me, he should try them himself before barking at me about it.

My teeth have really been bothering me lately. When My Clay picks me up after he's done howling, I like to chew on his hands because it makes my mouth feel better. So he tries to give me toys and stuff to chew instead, but I'd rather nibble his hands because they taste good. Then he barks at me, "NO Raleigh! NO BITE!!" Personally, I think he just likes to hear himself bark. I heard him tell someone he's going to get something called Bitter Apple to stop me from biting. I don't know what that is, but I'm sure it's not going to work because humans taste much better than dog toys, and that's all there is to it.

Here are some other things that taste better than dog toys:
1. Krispy Kreme donuts
2. Cheeseburgers
3. Shoes
4. Pens
5. Pizza
6. Kentucky Fried Chicken
7. Krispy Kreme donuts
8. Stuff I find in the grass
9. Macaroni and cheese
10. Krispy Kreme donuts

Here are some things that don't taste so good:
1. Dog food
2. I'll get back to you.

I am growing up so fast. My Clay just got me a pretty red collar with sparkles on it. Because I'm the prettiest dog and all other dogs are jealous of me. Kim is jealous too. OK she might howl kinda better than I do, but I don't see My Clay getting her any red sparkly collars. So there, Kim.
HAHA.

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
December 19

Dear Diary,

My Clay and I have been very, very busy lately, even though he is still getting over being sick. Poor My Clay! We'd go to a place and he'd howl, then we'd go to another place and he'd howl some more. And everywhere humans would scream and scream so loud they'd hurt my little ears even more than some of those other howling humans did. But I didn't really mind all the traveling too much. It used to be that my den had to stay under My Clay's seat when we traveled, but lately I've been getting my own seat, which I like much better. This way, I can always see him and that makes me very happy, especially when he puts his hand in so I can lick it. He's no Krispy Kreme donut, you understand, but he tastes really nice, so that's a good thing.

Sometimes on the plane the Flight Humans would come up to our seat and show their teeth and try to talk to us. I would wag my tail to be polite, but Hello! We're trying to sleep here! Humans never seem to know when to let My Clay and me alone. But then I'd finally fall asleep in my den, and My Clay would sleep on the seat next to me, and when we'd wake up, we'd be There. More howling and screaming and humans acting silly. Dogs have so much more dignity. Except maybe when we're licking ourselves.

Anyway, I think the howlings are finally finished, because now we are back with Mom and Brett in the Place That Was Named After Me. I was very happy to see Mom and Brett again, and I think they were glad to see me, too. Brett held me and scratched me behind my ears, which feels really good, in case no one's ever done it to you. Today is what is called Brett's "birthday." My Clay had one of those a little while ago. I think "birthday" is one of those things humans make up so they can eat lots and lots of cake and ice cream and not feel bad. Humans are always and forever feeling bad about something. That's why we dogs are so much better than humans. I could eat a whole cake, a pizza, and a box of Krispy Kreme donuts, and I would never feel bad about it -- although I would probably give My Clay "Sad Face" so he wouldn't get too mad at me. Because humans can never stay angry with puppies for long when they do Sad Face. All dogs know that little trick, and we didn't have to go to Puppy Kindergarten to learn it, either. It's something we're born with, like our great sense of smell, or knowing exactly when to run in front of a human's feet so they trip over us.

I was very surprised to see that since I was last there, Mom has grown a tree in her house. It's a very different tree from any I've ever seen Outside, because it has pretty, shiny things and things that look kind of like dog toys hanging all over it. I love that tree, not only because it's sparkly like my beautiful new collar, but also because it's sitting in a puddle of water, so every time I need a drink, it's right there for me! So in most ways, it's a lot better than any of the trees Outside, except that it doesn't have other dogs' smell on it. But that's the only thing that isn't good about it.

My Clay says we're going to stay with Mom and Brett for a bit, but I have no idea what that means. As long as he doesn't send me back to Dog Trainer again, I don't care how long we stay. Besides, they have squirrels and bunnies here! Now if I could only get My Clay to let me off the leash so I could have some real FUN.

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
December 24

Dear Diary,

So now I know why Mom grew a tree in her house. It is because of Christmas. Christmas is a thing where humans grow trees inside their houses and then put boxes wrapped in paper underneath the trees. I don't really understand why they do it, but it's amazing! And the best part is - some of those boxes are for you! It's great, because you can get lots of new toys and yummy treats and other good stuff. Or you can get a new sweater, which isn't quite as good. Because here is a little-known dog fact: No dog really likes sweaters. They feel weird and it's hard to chase squirrels while wearing one, because the squirrels don't take you seriously. And it's kind of embarrassing to be seen in one by other dogs, too. Because even when you're a pretty girl dog like me, you don't especially want to look like a wuss.

I got lots of great toys for Christmas, but I still like my Fuzzy Bone the best. It's soft and furry just like My Clay's arms, except it doesn't have a hand on the end of it. I've had Fuzzy Bone since I was little, so it's my very favorite. I like to bite it and shake it and throw it in the air, and I especially like when My Clay throws it, because then I can chase it and pretend it's a bunny and I am Raleigh the Amazing WonderDog, Enemy of Cats and Bunnies and Squirrels! And sometimes I get so excited that I get The Zooms. That's when I run around the house at top speed for no reason at all. It's very fun, except when I accidentally run into something with my head, which hurts and can make me look stupid. I really hate looking stupid, so I just pretend I meant to do it all along, and luckily the humans don't know any better. Thank goodness.

A few days ago, My Clay and I went to this big place with a frozen floor. I'm not sure how it got that way. My Clay sometimes gives me ice cubes to chew on for my hurting teeth, and he gets those from the freezer. So I guess that's where they got the floor, too. Anyway, My Clay put on some strange shoes with knives on the bottom of them, and then suddenly he was sliding all over the place! I don't know how he could even stand on those knives, much less slide around, but he did. My Clay can do anything! And sometimes he was even howling while he was sliding! It was very funny to see, especially when other people with knives on their feet slid around too. My Clay tried putting me down on the ice, but since most dogs aren't born with knives on their feet, I wasn't even going to try to take more than a few steps. Hello! It was so freezing and slippery that I could have fallen on my fuzzy rear end and there's no way I could pretend I meant to do something like that. So My Clay picked me up and held me, then started sliding very fast across the floor. It was just like riding very fast in the car with no roof! It was SO fun!

Now that we're staying with Mom and Brett, I hope My Clay can stop running around so much. Lately, it's like he has The Zooms all the time. After having The Zooms, puppies need their rest. So do humans, even My Clay. If you ask me, he needs to take time to stop and smell the flowers. Or better yet, the trees other dogs have peed on.

Love and Merry Christmas,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
January 1

Dear Diary,

It is now Happy New Year. I don't know what that means, but humans seem to be making a big deal out of it, so I guess it's something good like dog treats or getting your belly rubbed. Sometimes it seems like humans just make things up for no real reason, sort of like when we dogs pretend we have to go potty, but we really only want to be taken Outside so we can sniff everything and chase squirrels. I think My Clay gets annoyed when I pretend, but too bad. I mean, I love him and all, but this is OUTSIDE we're talking about! If I have to make something up to get out there, then I'm gonna do it. Anyway, I'm sure every now and then My Clay makes things up too, though it's probably not just so he can get Outside.

I think "Outside" is a Very Good Word. Very Good Words are words like "Treat" and "Goodgirl." And especially, "Krispy Kreme Donut." I have heard My Clay say that he doesn't like "curse words." I'm not sure, but I think "curse words" are Very Bad Words, like "NO!" or "DOWN!" or "VET." Or the worst one of all: "B-A-T-H." I have to spell it, because oh my goodness, that one really gives me the shivers.

I don't know if you've ever had a B-A-T-H, but it is a Very, Very Bad Thing, even worse than getting your toenails clipped. Here is what happens during a B-A-T-H. First, your human shows his teeth at you and says, "Come here, Raleigh." That's when it's time to run away as fast as you can, because when he says it like that, you know it can't be anything good! So you run, but you can't get away, because even though he's only got two of them, his legs are lots longer than yours, which is SO not fair. He catches you, carries you into the Room With the B-A-T-H-tub, and shuts the door. And then there's no escape! You give him the saddest Sad Face you can, but even that can't save you now! He makes lots of water come out of the wall into the B-A-T-H-tub, and puts you in it. Yes! Right in it! And your feet are wet and it's very awful, but your human isn't done - he puts water all over you! Why would he do that? I don't know. I think for a minute he goes crazy or something. And then he pours slimy stuff on you that smells nothing like a dog should smell and scritches it into all your fur. OK, so that does feel kind of good. But then comes the worst part - he puts lots and lots and LOTS of water on you until you're almost drowned. So to get rid of it, you shake yourself really hard, of course, and as soon as you do, your human's barking at you, "NO, RALEIGH, NO!!!" and trying to stop you from shaking. What's that about? It's very frustrating and makes no sense so you keep trying to do it and he keeps trying to stop you. But then he says, "All done!" and finally it's the good part: he puts you in a towel and hugs you and rubs you and says "Goodgirl!" And it's almost worth the B-A-T-H to have that. But not really.

Why do humans do mean things like that to you? Maybe it's because they really think it's a Good Thing. My Clay actually seems to like standing in the B-A-T-H-tub and getting hit by the water coming out of the wall. He likes it so much he does it every day! And he even howls while he's doing it! No, really! And that's fine for him if he wants to do something so silly - he can do it as much as he wants and I'll sit there and watch. But don't make ME do it!

I know I've said this before, but I will never understand why humans do the things they do. Maybe some day when I get to be a big dog, I will be able to figure it out, but for now, I think I need a nap. At least My Clay's got that part right.

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
January 12

Dear Diary,

Me and My Clay were back in the Place That's Named After Me. It was nice to see Mom and Brett again, though I was really missing Kim. It's no fun to pee on Brett's shoes, because he doesn't even notice. Kim always gets SO mad and barks "WHY does she wee on MY shoes and not yours? YOU'RE the one with shoes the size of the Queen Mary!!" Who knows what she meant by that, but I thought it was funny anyway. One of these days, I will find something Outside that's really rotten and disgusting and roll in it so I can go jump in Kim's lap and watch her go nuts. That would be so fun! Sometimes I spend hours thinking of things I can do to Kim. I just wish I got to see her more.

So My Clay brought home a new toy for me! It kind of looks like a human, but the head's really big, and it wiggles around like my behind when I wag my tail. I saw it sitting on a chair so I jumped right up there and got it, because I figured My Clay must have forgotten to give it to me. The head was almost too big to chew, but the rest of it was okay. I chewed the legs off it and was starting on the arm when My Clay came in and caught me. He started barking at me real loud -- something about a Bobblehead, whatever that is. I think he was just mad that he didn't get to surprise me with my new toy. But he shouldn't have just put it on the chair like that if he didn't want me to see it! Hello!

To tell you the truth, it wasn't a very good toy. It tasted bad and it was kind of funny-looking. It's no Fuzzy Bone, that's for sure. But don't tell My Clay I said that. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I hope he never brings one of THOSE home again!

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
January 28

Dear Diary,

I have been spending some time with My Clay's human friend Suzanne lately. She is very nice because she gets me toys and stuff to play with, and we do lots of fun things together. Don't tell My Clay, but I think she likes me better than him. That's because I'm furry and cute, and he's...hmm.

OK, never mind. Sometimes I stay with Suzanne while My Clay is off doing his howling or barking things, which is good because waiting until he's finished howling and barking can get pretty boring. Besides, some of the humans at the places where he howls are so scary that even My Clay is afraid of them. And they don't even have to be giant humans like Jerome to be scary, either. In fact, some of the scariest ones are the girl kind of humans.

Sometimes when they see me, they'll go, "Here, Raleigh, here Raleigh!" like I'm going to go over to them or something. Hello! I'm a very smart puppy! I know not to go bark to strangers. My Clay, on the other paw, goes up to them and lets them hug him and lick him and bark in his face. Which is why I'm a lot smarter than him, though I don't let him know that. Let him go on thinking that I don't know any better when I go potty on the floor or scratch up his doors or chew up anything he doesn't put away. Shhh -- here's a secret. One time My Clay thought he lost his wallet. But he didn't. And let me tell you -- a wallet is the greatest thing to chew because not only is it good by itself, but it's got lots of chewy things inside it, too!

I have been thinking lately of writing a book for dogs who live with humans. I think I would call it, "Raleigh's Guide to Managing Your Human" or something smart like that. I would give dogs tips on how to get their humans to do whatever they want, like when you want something they're eating, you should sit at their feet and stare at them, looking as cute as you can. And if they have the nerve to ignore you, then you stand up at their knee, until they finally give in and give you some Krispy Kreme donut. (This also works for when you just want to snuggle, by the way.) Or how, when you want them to play with you, you lay where they can see you and chew on your toy with one eye on them so that when they notice you, they can't resist how cute you are. I have lots of ideas like that. I even have ideas for how to teach humans tricks, like how to get Kim to scream just for the fun of it.

I love being me. I think I am the luckiest puppy on earth because not only do I own My Clay, but everyone loves me, and I love everybody. OK, except for cats. They're even worse than scary girl humans.

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
February 1

Dear Diary,

So last night My Clay and me watched the big box thing that My Clay calls Teevy. We do that pretty often, except most of the time I'm just chewing my toy or sleeping on My Clay's lap because really, Teevy is mostly kind of boring. Especially when it has those loud howling people who are really, really bad. Then My Clay laughs and barks stuff at Teevy, like "Oh WOW. Ouch!" and "Oh hush up, Simon, you jerk!" and "Gee, Paula is almost makin' sense tonight." Whatever that means.

But last night I looked up at Teevy and saw someone pretending to be My Clay! I stood up and barked and barked -- I knew he couldn't be the REAL My Clay because the real one was right underneath me! But then My Clay laughed and said, "Look, sweetie! It's YOU!" and there was some dog running across the floor of Teevy! Silly My Clay-- at least *I* knew it wasn't really him up there, but he couldn't even tell the difference between the dog on the Teevy thing and me! OK yeah, the dog on Teevy was pretty cute, but NOT as cute as me. It made me mad, so I barked very angrily at that dog to let her know who was the cutest, but she ignored me. Snob. My Clay laughed so much he was crying, but I don't know why. That happens a lot around here.

I have found a new bad word. It is "haircut." One day My Clay said I needed a "haircut" and the next thing I knew I was at this place that smelled like scared dog! The lady human took me from My Clay and even though I gave him Sad, Sad Face, he just said, "Bye, honey, be good!" and LEFT ME THERE. Really! As if that wasn't bad enough, they tied me up and gave me a B-A-T-H and then turned this scary, noisy thing on me that made lots and lots of hot air hit me in the face! Then they started cutting off my beautiful fur and pulling it out all while barking about how hot My Clay is, when *I* was the one who was getting hit with hot air, not My Clay! Finally the torture was all over, but not until I was shaking and miserable. They put a bow on my pretty red collar and then I had to wait for My Clay to come pick me up.

I tried to be very angry with him, but as soon as I saw him, I somehow forgot and got so excited and happy that I cried and kissed him all over his face. I don't know what it is, but I find it very hard to ever be mad at him, even when he deserves it. Maybe it's because I love him so much and I know that even though he does stuff like haircut to me, he loves me so much, too. He says I'm his best friend. Just me.

Hear that, dog on Teevy?

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH: DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
February 16

Dear Diary,

I think most everyone knows that I'm a very smart puppy. My Clay says so all the time, so I know it's really true. But even though I'm very smart, there's one thing I don't really understand, and that's boy dogs. What's up with them? Why do they act the way they do? When I see a boy dog, I like to do what My Clay calls flirting. That means I give a boy dog a big smile, and I stand really close to him and wag my tail a lot. And sometimes I even bite his ears. Then we play. But all boy dogs ever seem to want to do is sniff my tail. Stupid boy dogs. I mean, I like tail-sniffing as much as the next dog, but that's not ALL I want to do! Another thing they do is lift their legs and go potty on things. Like everything they see. So one time I wanted to try it to see if I could do it too, but it didn't work out too well. I lifted my leg on My Clay's big picture thing that's been leaning against the wall in our house, and when My Clay saw it, he was NOT happy with me. He barked "RALEIGH, NO!!! That's my picture of RALEIGH!!" Except it wasn't -- it didn't look anything like me. Silly My Clay. Kim laughed and said that it served My Clay right - he should have put it up 5 months ago. So My Clay put it up so high on the wall that I'll never be able to reach it again. Ding Dang it. He spoils all my fun.

Yesterday My Clay gave me a present from Uncle Ryan. I was really excited because I thought it was a toy. But it wasn't. It was a dumb old sweater thing. My Clay put it on me and it was not only dumb but it was so big I could hardly see out of it. When I tried to walk, my legs got caught inside the sweater and I fell right on my nose. So I had to just lay there, all tangled up in my stupid sweater until My Clay rescued me. But first he laughed and laughed, even though it wasn't even funny.

My Clay says very soon we are going to Tour. I don't know where that is, but it better be something good like an ice cream place or a pet store. If it's anything like Haircut or Vet, I'm pretending I'm a boy dog on My Clay's leg.

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
February 27

Dear Diary,

My Clay and me are now on Tour, so I am writing to you from what My Clay calls The Bus. It's kind of like a car and kind of like a house, but it's not really either. It's big and long and we ride around in it, but it's got couches and beds you can sleep on and a table. It even has Teevy, so it's really cool. I like to sit on My Clay's lap and watch out the window, especially when there are lots of humans barking My Clay's name. Sometimes they even bark my name! My Clay says that's because everyone loves me, which I don't understand, because they don't even know me. I guess it's because I belong to My Clay. Humans seem to love everything about My Clay, and that I do understand because I do, too! If I could, I would spend all day licking his skin and fur. Sometimes I even feel like I can't stop. Then he gets a little annoyed and tries to push my face away, but sometimes I sneak another one in anyway. Us dogs don't give up easily, you know, especially when something tastes good.

On The Bus we live with Aunt Kelly instead of Kim. Aunt Kelly's nice because she likes dogs and hates stupid dog sweaters, so you know she's pretty smart. And she's really good at howling. She howls SO loud, she's like a coyote. Too bad she barks a lot more than she howls. I've never in my life heard another human bark as much or as fast as she does, not even My Clay. "Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap" - she never stops, not even so My Clay can answer! I once met a Yorkie Terror who never stopped barking in my face the whole time I was with her, but even she didn't bark as much as Aunt Kelly does. My Clay once whispered to me that he wished Aunt Kelly would "stuff a sock in it," but I'm not sure what he meant by that. All I know is she kinda makes my ears tired.

Last night Aunt Kelly wanted to play a game with My Clay. It was something called Scrabble with lots of little pieces of wood that were great to chew! Aunt Kelly snapped at me a lot because I kept stealing the pieces, but My Clay thought it was funny. He ended up winning the game and Aunt Kelly was so up-set that she said My Clay cheated and then wouldn't talk to him for the rest of the night.

I hope My Clay and Aunt Kelly play Scrabble every single day. And I hope My Clay always wins.

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
March 1

Dear Diary,

I have been staying at Mom's house in the Place That Was Named After Me instead of going with My Clay on The Bus. My Clay says it's easier for both of us right now, but I think it's because Kelly's been barking at him about me not being potty trained yet. That's probably because I might have gone potty in her shoes once or twice, but I don't know why that bothers her so much. It makes them smell good, so she should thank me instead of whining about it.

I like it here, mainly because Mom and Brett are so nice, but I miss My Clay. There's no one here to eat Krispy Kreme donuts and Pizza Hot Pockets with. In fact the food here is pretty terrible, because Mom actually believes dogs should eat ONLY Dog Food. Really! Brett sometimes tries to sneak stuff to me at the dinner table, but then Mom barks at him and says I'm only supposed to eat my Dog Food because it's good for me. UGH. Did you ever taste Dog Food? It doesn't even taste like anything! I'd sooner eat something I found in the yard or under the sofa cushions. Dog Food's supposed to be made with meat, but if it is, I don't know what they did with it. I'd like to see humans eat that stuff. And then us dogs are supposed to just sit there and watch them eating yummy real food while we get a bowl of dry little pieces of yuck. It is SO not fair.

Sometimes I wish I was human. If I was a human, I would take car rides all day long with my head sticking way out the side window so I could always see and smell everything first. And I would go to the drive-up at KFC and get a bunch of buckets of chicken and I would eat them all, even the bones that My Clay says I can't have for no good reason. And then I would drive to the ice cream place and get a whole big giant cone of ice cream and then to the Krispy Kreme place for lots and lots of donuts. And then I would go to the dog park so I could find some dogs to play and fight with. That would be SO fun! Being a human would rock!

But then I think that if I was human, I probably wouldn't belong to My Clay, and that's not a good thing. I don't know what I would do without My Clay. He's my whole life, and I love him more than anything, even ice cream or car rides. I almost love him more than Krispy Kreme donuts. I guess I don't want to be human after all, not if it means giving up My Clay.

I wonder if dogs can learn to drive cars?

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
March 10

Dear Diary,

My Clay has been gone a long time. Sometimes it feels like forever. I sit and wait and stare at the door, and sometimes if I can get to it, I even look out the window. But he doesn't come. I wonder if he forgot about me. I could never forget about him, not ever. So I wait and wait and wait and I try to remember what his face looks like because it makes me feel a little better when I can do that. I miss My Clay SO much.

My belly is finally better. For a while I couldn't even talk about what happened to me because it was so terrible, but I think I'm ready now. My Clay says I got fixed. That's dumb, because I'm pretty sure there was nothing wrong with me to begin with. It happened one morning when My Clay forgot to give me my breakfast, and that was really bad because he also forgot to give me my snack the night before, so Hello! I was STARVING. There wasn't even any water. When I went out to go potty that morning, I was so hungry that I would've eaten bunny beans out of the grass if My Clay had let me. OK, I'd eat those anyway, but still. Yet instead of giving me food like he should have, he put me in the car and off we went.

Now usually, I LOVE to ride in the car. It's almost my favorite thing in life next to My Clay and Krispy Kreme donuts. But the one time I don't like car rides is when they end at The Vet. I don't know if you've ever been to The Vet, but it is a HORRIBLE place, full of very scary smells. It's just awful, even worse than Haircut or B-A-T-H. Most of the time when you get there, they put you on a table and poke at you a lot and stick stuff in your ears and your nose and your mouth and your...I'm not even going to say it. You would never believe me if I told you. All I can say is that no one should ever have anything stuck in THERE, that's for sure. Then they pinch your skin and poke you some more, which kind of hurts, but then it's over and you go home, thank goodness.

Only this time, all that didn't happen.

First, they took me away from My Clay and put me in Vet Jail. I didn't even know what I'd done to deserve it, except for maybe chewing My Clay's shoes one too many times, which was his own fault for letting them on the floor. I just couldn't believe My Clay would let them put me in there with all those bad animals. I mean, there were even some CATS, for goodness sake, though I was too scared to even bark or growl at them. Then a human came and got me, and put me on a cold table with all kinds of strange stuff around it. And I was so afraid I think I must've fainted, because the next thing I knew, I woke up back in Jail, feeling all strange and woozy, and my belly kind of hurt. So I slept for a little while to block it all out, until My Clay finally came to pick me up. I was SO happy to see him, I didn't know what to do. So I cried a lot and peed a little, as anybody would.

The worst thing about it was that afterwards I had to wear this thing around my neck that made me feel like my head was inside a bowl. It was awful. Anytime I tried to do anything, it would bang against the wall or the furniture or My Clay's legs. And eating and drinking? Forget about it. I tried to get it off by rolling around, but it just rolled with me and stayed there, making me look dopey. So all the humans just laughed and laughed and called me Funnel Face and Cone Head, which was very mean and embarrassing, if you ask me. I'd like to see them try to wear a bowl on their necks and look dignified. Meanwhile, my belly itched like crazy and I couldn't get to it! I wanted so much to scratch and chew it, but the stupid bowl stopped me. It was torture - even worse than being with Dog Trainer or wearing a dumb dog sweater. And I had to have it on for a long time too, even at night. Have you ever tried to sleep with your head inside a bowl? I didn't think so.

But now the bowl's gone, and my belly's all better and it's even starting to get fur back on it so I can be beautiful again. Except My Clay's not here to see it. PLEASE COME HOME, MY CLAY!! You can even bring that really, really big Jerome guy with you.

You know, I think it might be a good idea for Jerome to wear a bowl. He'd probably be a lot less scary that way.

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
March 16

Dear Diary,

My Clay is back! My Clay is back! My Clay is back!!! He finally came to get me, after I'd begun to think I was never going to see him again!

Here's how it happened: I was just lying there, licking my paws and thinking about important things, like toys and squirrels and how Krispy Kreme really ought to make a bone-shaped donut, when I looked up, and there he was!! I was so surprised to see him that I gasped, and then I couldn't help it - I ran to him, crying and wagging my tail so hard my whole body shook. He picked me up and I licked his face between crying, but I was so excited I couldn't stop wiggling, and so I just kept crying, louder and louder. The louder I cried, the more My Clay laughed. Personally, I don't think it's very funny when someone cries, but then I'm a dog and My Clay is only a human. I guess he can't be expected to be sensitive. When at last he put me down on the floor, I got the zooms so much I almost couldn't stop. I finally collapsed, exhausted and panting. What a great day!

The next morning, I was up at my usual time, so I thought I would do My Clay a favor and wake him up. But for some reason My Clay didn't seem to appreciate my thoughtfulness. He barked at me a bit angrily and put a pillow over his head. Silly My Clay. Like that's going to stop me. Us Border Terrors are known for digging, and when we want to get at something, like a face to lick, for example, a dumb pillow isn't going to keep us out! He finally gave up and took me Outside to go potty, even though he stood there with his eyes closed the whole time. I guess horses aren't the only ones who can sleep standing up.

You know, I really, really like Outside. My Clay doesn't know this, but sometimes when he takes me out to go potty, I "hold it." I want to be out there as long as possible, smelling all those wonderfully awful smells, digging mystery stuff out of the ground, and looking for boy dogs to flirt with. But My Clay usually doesn't like it when I take too long and barks, "Hurry up! Go potty!" at me. Most of the time, I just ignore him. What's he gonna do, squeeze it out of me? No. So I just take my good old time while My Clay gets more and more ticked off. He's so funny. No wonder I missed him so much!

My Clay is getting my stuff ready now, so I guess we're leaving soon. And he says we're going to see Kim again! I hope so. I've had a LOT of time to think of new ways to make her crazy. HAHA!

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
March 23

Dear Diary,

Now that My Clay is back, we are going from place to place on The Bus, with My Clay and Aunt Kelly howling for lots and lots of other humans. At first, being on The Bus was very confusing. Since it didn't really look like the inside of a house or a car, and it certainly didn't look like Outside, I wasn't exactly sure where to go potty. So one day when I had to go, I just did it on the floor. I figured that My Clay or Aunt Kelly would tell me soon enough if I was wrong. And boy, did they ever! You should have heard the barking, mostly from Aunt Kelly, and especially when I jumped up on the seat and rubbed my tail end on it. Hey, I was just trying to get clean which I would think they would appreciate. But instead Aunt Kelly started barking stuff like "OH MY GOD! STOP HER!! SHE'S DRAGGING HER BUTT ON THE SEATS!!" But you know how My Clay is. He picked me up all right, but then he aimed my bottom right at Aunt Kelly and started chasing her around The Bus. She was howling and barking "CLAY!! STOP IT!! OH MY GOD. THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU! YOU ARE SUCH A FREAK!!" But then she was laughing too. Humans are so strange. I have said this many times, but it is true. If I live to be 15, I will never understand them.

The other night, Aunt Fran came to see me, and took me into the place where all the humans were sitting waiting for the howling to start. I was walking around on my fancy leash, minding my own business, looking for something good to eat off the floor, when suddenly, someone said my name really loudly. And the next thing I knew, there were all these humans in my face, all excited and screaming about seeing me. I used to think that all those humans were there to see My Clay, but now I know who they REALLY want to see - ME! So because I am a Goodgirl, I said hello to them and let them pet me, thinking they'd go away and let me get back to my food hunting. But some humans are never satisfied. They stuck their hands and faces right in front of my mouth, even though I didn't even know who they were. What humans don't understand is that if they stick their skin at our mouths, us dogs can't help ourselves - we will either lick them or bite them. Lucky for them they only did it to me, because some dogs are cranky and they will bite just for the fun of it. But I am a dog with good manners. So I licked a few of the humans in front of me, and you would think I gave them a Krispy Kreme donut the way they carried on about it. And then more and more humans started crowding around me, getting in my space and making bright lights go off in my face until it started to get a little scary, because there was no place for me to get away. Finally, Aunt Fran told them not to pet me anymore and took me back to My Clay. I never thought I'd be glad to stop getting petted, but after all that, I needed a nap and something really good to eat, since I had no time to find anything yummy under the seats. But I guess My Clay was too busy getting ready to howl, because I got nothing. NOTHING!

You know, somebody seems to have forgotten that I am a princess. If I'm going to be expected to show up at these places and let people see me, I'm not gonna do it for free. So they'd better start stocking up on the Pizza Hot Pockets right now or I just may start to get a little cranky.

Love,
Raleigh

[lyndolphin]

.

[lyndolphin]

whoops meant to send as a PM

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
April 8

Dear Diary,

I don't think I'm telling any major dog secrets when I say that most dogs like to play games. There might be a few kinds who don't, like the ones who herd sheep for some unknown reason. But they're not real dogs, if you ask me. Real dogs like to play. And we know really fun games, too, not like those boring ones humans play, where they stare at Teevy while punching buttons on some flat thing they hold in their hands. What's that about? How can that be any fun? Humans. I don't think I have to say much more about that.

Anyway, here are some games dogs like to play:

Catch Me
This is the one where I run away from My Clay or any other human, and they bark my name over and over while running after me. I like to let them get just close enough to think they've got me, then run away again. It's especially fun when the humans start to get angry and frustrated, and they throw up their hands and bark funny words. That just makes me smile with my whole tongue!

Dig, Dig, Dig
We all know us dogs can dig a good hole like nobody else. But we also like to dig for no reason, like when we're ready to go to sleep somewhere. Then we might dig into a cushion, for example, even though it doesn't do anything. I even sometimes Dig, Dig, Dig into the pad in my crate like I'm digging for bunnies. I know that there probably aren't any bunnies in there, but I do it anyway. I'm a dog. I don't need any reason to do stuff.

It's Mine
This is a game that My Clay sometimes calls "Fetch." I think that's a stupid name, because I don't "fetch" anything. If My Clay throws a toy for me, I get it, and go wherever I want to. Then he stands there with his hand out, barking, "Bring it, Raleigh," while I ignore him and chew on the toy. If he tries to come get it, I run away, and then the game becomes Catch Me. See how that works?

Steal the Sock
My Clay doesn't like this one, but it's almost my favorite. After My Clay is done howling, he usually takes off his shoes and socks in The Bus. When he's not looking, I sneak up and take a sock and put it somewhere, usually behind or under something so he doesn't see it right away. Then when Aunt Kelly comes in, she always barks, "OH MY GOD. WHY don't you put away your SOCKS!?" And I smile some more.

Stare
I hate this game. I never win it, because My Clay is better at staring than anybody, and he never gives up. Sometimes I'll watch him, and then he sees me looking at him, and he'll stare into my eyes. I try to keep looking, but it makes me all embarrassed and uncomfortable, so I have to look away. And then he wins, which is SO not fair. But I think he's met his match with Aunt Kelly, because the other night, she wanted him to play Scrabble, which she's always trying to get him to play but My Clay refuses because Aunt Kelly wants him to play so much (My Clay's like that for some reason.) So Aunt Kelly must have decided if she couldn't get him to play Scrabble, she'd get him to play Stare. And they stood there and played Stare for so long that I got bored and fell asleep. I only woke up because Aunt Kelly was barking her head off that My Clay cheated because he stuck his dirty sock in her face. So of course My Clay won again.

Too bad Aunt Kelly didn't know Steal the Sock. Not that it would have helped her any. NOBODY is better at Stare than My Clay. All those humans who watch him howl could have told her that, and they're not even dogs.

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
April 15

Dear Diary,

Remember when I said that getting "fixed" was the worst thing that ever happened to me? Well, that was before The Yorkie Terror from Heck came into my life. And it's all Aunt Kelly's fault.

OK the other day, I was in The Bus just doing my usual thing - lying there chewing on my tasty fancy leash that My Clay forgot to put away as usual - when in came Aunt Kelly carrying something in her paws. At first I didn't really notice what it was, but when I looked closer -- OH NO!! It was another girl puppy!! And a Yorkie Terror of all things! I barked and barked and barked! "GET OFF MY THE BUS, YOU INTRUDER!!!!" But she just looked at me as if I wasn't even scary, and that just made me SO angry! So I growled at her, thinking that would get her! But she only wagged her tail and yawned. And here's the really, really bad part - My Clay barked, "OH MY GOODNESS! She's adorable! Let me hold her!" And then he did!

And I kept jumping up at his legs, barking and growling, "THAT'S MY MY CLAY!! YOU GET AWAY FROM HIM, YORKIE TERROR!!" until finally My Clay barked, "RALEIGH! That?s enough!" So I barked a couple of times more (because us dogs must always have the last word), and then gave My Clay real Sad Face. But he just ignored me, and sat there with that other puppy, telling her how cute she was. HELLO?? I'm cuter than her!! I am! She's just littler, that's all! So I cried a little bit to make My Clay feel bad, but I don't think he even did. And then Aunt Kelly barked that I'd better not go after her baby, or I'd be in trouble! Can you believe that?

Finally My Clay gave the thing back to Aunt Kelly, and picked me up. And he whispered "I still love you, sweetie. You're my best girl!" And I looked at the Yorkie Terror and told her, "HA HA! You don't belong to My Clay and I do!" but she didn't answer me. I think she's just jealous. Especially now that My Clay is growing fur on his face and more fur on his head and looks really, really good -- just like one of us dogs. I'll bet she wishes Aunt Kelly had fur on HER face, but she doesn't. So too bad, Yorkie Terror from Heck!

All I can say is that she better not touch any of my toys and she better not get between me and My Clay. Because if she does, I'm gonna go My Clay fan on her furry little tail. Which is NO WAY cuter than mine.

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
April 24

Dear Diary,

My Clay and me are now done going to Tour. We finally got to the last place (I guess that was "Tour") and then My Clay went away for awhile, which scared me a lot! I was afraid he was going to be gone a long time again, but he wasn't, thank goodness. Now he is back, so I am very happy again! We can take naps and eat Hot Pockets and watch Teevo together. I think Teevo is the same thing as Teevy, so I don't know why My Clay calls it that. Maybe he gets bored with the name Teevy sometimes. I sure hope he doesn't get bored with my name, because I like "Raleigh" a LOT better than "Rallo."

So anyway, the other day when he got back, My Clay decided he wanted to watch the Howling Show. Personally, I would rather watch the Good As It Gets show, where the human is always giving the dog bacon. Now that's a good show. But My Clay likes the Howling Show, and since he always has something to bark after each human howls, I've decided I'm going to do it, too. Here is what I think of everyone on the Howling Show:

1. The One Who Shows Her Teeth Too Much - This one can howl okay, but she's always showing her teeth like she's snarling at me. And there's something about her that gives me the shivers. OK, I know she looks like a Human but she's a little like that Bobblehead toy My Clay brought home for me that time. It looks human too, but it isn't.

2. The Human Who Bounces - This guy can also howl okay, but he sounds kind of like I do when I've been barking at something too much or too long. (Like at stupid NOT cute other girl puppies from Heck.) I like the way he bounces, though. It's like he's begging for a cookie.

3. The Big Howler - This one can REALLY howl! She howls and howls, louder and louder, like somebody stepped on her tail and won't get off. But she does have a pretty big head, so I guess that's where all the noise is coming from. My Clay says she got voted off, which means nobody wanted her anymore. I think it's because she was always bent over a little, like she was thinking about sniffing somebody's tail. I could have told her humans don't like that, but she didn't ask me. So too bad for her.

4. The Human Who Forgot Her Flower - I don't like her howling all that much, but I did like the flower she used to wear in her fur because it made me think of Outside. But she forgot it so I don't care about her now.

5. The One Who Is Trying To Be My Clay - OK, there is only ONE My Clay, and that's all I need. This guy pretends he's like My Clay, but he can't howl like him -- not even close! -- and he isn't anywhere near as cute and furry. So he should go away before I bite him.

6. The One Who Can Howl OK But Not As Good As My Clay - This is the girl human who howls pretty good. She's not Kim or Aunt Kelly or anything, but I can listen to her without wanting to go boy dog and lift my leg on the Teevy. Sometimes she howls loud, but mostly she makes me want to take a nap.

7. The Other Big Howler - This one kind of scares me. She reminds me of a Pug I once met somewhere, but I don't know why. She gets really into her howling and is always hopping around like she's gotta go potty or something. Someone should open the door and let her Outside.

I don't know why My Clay watches this stuff. If you ask me, it's not all that interesting and sometimes it hurts my ears. And I don't like those three humans who are always yapping about something after each howling. I bark at them and so does My Clay.

If I had my way, Teevy would have nothing but dogs on it, all the time. And they would be eating bacon. And the world would be a much better place.

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
May 5

Dear Diary,

My Clay is on his "laptop" again. A "laptop" is this box that you open up and inside is something that looks like Teevy, only it's more boring, if that's even possible. My Clay is never without his laptop. He takes it everywhere and is always opening it up and looking at it and pushing its buttons with his paws and barking at it. And sometimes I get annoyed because I want him to pay attention to me instead, so I walk over the top of the laptop and lick his face. Sometimes he laughs, but sometimes he barks angrily at me. "RALEIGH! Now look what you've done!" So I look, but I don't see anything. Just the same old Teevy wannabe. Why does he bark at me for that? What's that about?

Sometimes humans don't seem to understand how hard it is to be a dog. They think all we do is eat and sleep and dig and go potty. And ruin stuff. But we have a very important job to do, and we take it very seriously. It is our job to protect our human from other humans and animals. You never know when that human walking a poodle down the street might jump into your car and try to kill you while you're driving by. You never know if the cat you see in a window might be thinking of murdering you in your sleep. (Actually, you do know, because that's what cats are always thinking.) So you bark loudly at them, and you snarl, and you warn them to "STAY AWAY FROM ME AND MY HUMAN! I'VE GOT BIG TEETH AND I KNOW HOW TO USE THEM!! STAY AWAY!!" And then they do, so that shows you're doing your job right.

When we're in the car, I like to watch out the front window as we're driving. That way I can warn My Clay of any possible danger. And I don't like to be talked to or even petted while I'm on watch, unless it's to tell me I'm a Goodgirl. I need to concentrate on my job! Unless the car ride's more than a few blocks. Then it's my job to sleep.

Dogs love to sleep! Sometimes I think My Clay is part dog because he's always barking about needing to sleep. Us dogs would sleep all day if we could, and sometimes we even do. And we have really good dreams too. Like one time, I had a dream where I was chasing bunnies through a field of Kentucky Fried Chicken legs. It was amazing! But just as I was about to catch the bunny I woke up. Bummer! I think My Clay probably just dreams about howling, since sometimes I hear him howling while he's sleeping, which is always nice. But I'm sure if he had a choice, he would dream about bunnies and chicken legs.

Hello? Wouldn't everyone?

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
May 12

Dear Diary,

My Clay has been home for a while now. And here is a secret I would not tell anybody else: I wish he would go howl some place again because he's starting to get on my nerves. Of course, I still love him more than anything else, and when we're just playing or riding in the car or sitting together snuggling and watching Teevy, I want to be with him all the time. That's the good part of his being home. But the bad part is that he's been trying to teach me what he calls "Tricks."

I HATE Tricks.

Why do humans think it?s fun to make a dog do stuff for food? Us dogs don't make humans "sit pretty" for a kiss on their face, do we? No. We just lick without even asking for anything back. That's because we're loving and giving and never ever ever think of ourselves. Except for maybe when we're kind of hungry so we steal a pizza off somebody's plate because he forgot to put it up higher so we couldn't reach it and then we run through the house chewing it as fast as we can while he chases us barking his head off at us to "DROP IT! DROP IT RIGHT NOW!! I MEAN IT!!"

Not that I would know anything about that.

Anyway, these are the stupid Tricks My Clay has been trying to teach me:

Sit - This is easy, because I already know how to do it. We walk, then My Clay says "Sit." And then I do. Most of the time. Unless I see another dog or a bunny or a bird, or unless I don't really feel like it at that moment.

Sit Pretty - This one's dumb. He tries to make me sit up on my tail end, so that I'm supposed to look like a human or something. But I'm a NOT a human, so most of the time, I fall over and pretend I don't know what he wants. But I do. And I ain't doing it.

Give Me Your Paw - First, My Clay makes me "Sit." And then he says, "Give me your paw," which means I'm supposed to put my paw in his. And then he shakes my paw and puts it down. I know - it makes no sense. Don't ask me.

Stay - Yeah, right.

Come - This is where I pretend I can't hear. At all. No matter how often or how loud he barks.

Roll Over - This is the one where I'm supposed to lie down and then roll from one side to the other and then get up again. I could see maybe rolling on my back if somebody was going to rub my belly, but for a tiny piece of food and no belly rub? I don't think so.

Play Dead - OK, why would a human want their dog to act like they're dead? I've seen dead things and they're not pretty. Except for the smell. But I'm VERY pretty and I already know how to stink really well while I'm alive, so what's the good in being dead?

The only reason I might do Tricks is that it seems to make My Clay very happy, and I do always want to make him happy. Well, almost always, especially if what makes him happy makes me happy too. But trying to show me how to do some boring thing over and over and over again, especially when there's no good reason to do it in the first place? That's not one of those "make me happy too" times.

That is, of course, unless My Clay is sneaky and figures out that he could use Krispy Kremes to get me to do this stuff. Oh my goodness. I hope he NEVER gets that sly!

Love,
Raleigh

[Jude]

RALEIGH - DIARY OF A LUCKY CLUPPY
May 15

Dear Diary,

I have to say, most dogs probably aren't very ambitious. They're pretty happy just to lie around all day sleeping when they're not busy scratching up the windowsills watching for their humans to get home or digging old fries out of the sofa to eat. But I am not an ordinary dog. My human is famous. Everybody in the whole world knows him, so everybody in the world knows me, too. I am a superstar dog, kind of like the Border Terror in that Good Boy show that me and My Clay tried to watch on Teevy one time. (OK, he watched while I barked angrily because there was a boy Poodle on there pretending to be a girl dog and I thought everybody should know he was lying. Hello! A pink bow does NOT make you a girl, Poodle boy!)

So this week we went to Uncle Jay's place so that My Clay could howl some more. But lately when My Clay howls, it makes me want to howl, too, so when My Clay howled "SOLITAIRE!" I howled "SOLITAIRE!" too. Except it sounded more like "AROOOOOOOOAROOOOOO!!" which is actually much better anyway and makes a lot more sense. And the humans who were standing around watching thought so too, because they laughed and smacked their paws together and barked at me, which means they thought I was better than My Clay! So of course I thought when My Clay went to howl on stage for the humans and Uncle Jay, that he would bring me along to howl with him, but he didn't! He howled by himself so that all the paw smacking and barking and stuff was for him and not for me. What the heck??

I think My Clay still loves me, but for some reason he thinks he sounds better when he howls alone, and maybe he does most of the time. But I am a dog and a wonderful howler. Somehow, I'm going to have to make him see how much better he'll sound if he has me howling along with him all the time. Besides, he lets Kim and Aunt Kelly howl with him. They might be a little better than I am, but that shouldn't have anything to do with it.

After all, when he was on the Howling Show this week, he let those girl humans howl along with him. So he obviously isn't too picky.

Love,
Raleigh